They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
