Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Congratulations! We have a period
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
