and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I checked into jail on foursquare
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
