It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
