he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
