i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
