the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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