Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
