i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
