MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
