i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
