Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
