Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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