i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
