i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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