my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
