taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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