I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
