Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
