sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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