I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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