IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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