Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
