Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
