I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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