Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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