You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
