I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
