But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
