its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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