He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
The beer is more important than you right now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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