I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
