i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Actions speak louder than pants.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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