oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I look better un-naked...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
