The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
