Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
