this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
