I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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