I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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