Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
