I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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