y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
