This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
