My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
