somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
