I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
