I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
