Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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