Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
