There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
