Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
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