He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
