Its about making memories worth repressing
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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