i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's blow job season.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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