I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
