I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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