I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
