just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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