Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
