i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
