Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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